Once upon a time, a long time ago, I played a lot of video games. They were a fun way to pass the time. Then one day they stopped being fun all together because I TURNED INTO A MAN. Ok that's an outright lie (the part about it suddenly stopping being fun all together, wiseass!). I think it was more a gradual process in which the games I used to find fun just seemed like work with the net effect being a score and some weak congratulations. Also it might have been because I was really bad at basically everything I played. At that point I decided programming all the time was fun and I got to make stuff too so it was like the best of worlds.
But programming all the time isn't fun! Duh!
I stumbled into this strange emotion called boredom today (seriously normally this time of the year I have a in the thousands of assignments to complete and I'm a total wreck and eating greasy takeout food and not showering but that's that needs to be said here) and I decided to try some video games I never played! I never had a SNES so my buddy Ilya recommended some SNES games. Without further ado, I introduce DONKEY KONG COUNTRY.
This game is really fucking hard. Basically the premise is you have this big hulking monkey (Donkey Kong) and this little monkey (there was some racing game with him????) and they have to uh go through the world and collect bananas but there are lizards and birds and shit. To what end, I'm not quite sure yet. Sometimes the monkeys die (mostly because you're distracted and a lizard sneaks up on you and molests you), but fear not, you can find them in barrels later on in the level.
A note about monkeys in barrels: I'm a man and I'm not supposed to have a big "that's cute" instinct but the monkeys in barrels make the cutest sounds.
There are also other type of barrels that you can throw but then they seem to go away forever, which doesn't seem right at all. I'd think you'd use them to kill 'baddies' but I have not witnessed this phenomenon. The 'baddies' are like Mario-brand 'baddies' in that you can jump on their heads, but they also can do stupid cheating stuff like walking off higher level stuff onto lower level stuff rather than just turn around like good 'baddies'. Bad physics.
Also apparently some of the bad guys can only get killed by the big dude but the little dude is a higher jumper (despite being encumbered by the presence of the big dude). I find this sort of switching feature to be genuinely neat. What a country!
I got to ride on a rhino but accidentally sent him falling off a cliff. This is not a metaphor. I just did this for a second time.
I'm hearing some Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young in the stage selection music. At least I think it's the stage selection music because I can only select "Jungle Hijinxs" at the moment.
This game is really hard because the monkeys have minds of their own and just when you think you understand how they handle, they change it up on you. They really do think and they really do resent the fact that you can control them. Also some of the bananas require thought to reach and then you actually have to execute your plan with these monkeys who want nothing more than to scratch their junk and fling poo rather than deftly maneuver according to your commands.
I give this game a 3/10 because the monkey sound effects are really cute.