11 November 2013

Places where the author has slept poorly, if at all

Airplanes
There's nothing about airplanes that even suggests they're a place where sleeping is possible. Nothing. First, they're quite loud and the noise that they produce is that variable. Second, they're in the fucking air. They bank, the shake, they change speeds. If that wasn't bad enough, you're literally shoulder to shoulder with hundreds of perfect strangers. What other primate could handle being this many of its kind in this enclosed space? None of them. None the fuck of them.

So why do people keep asking me if I slept on the plane?

No I didn't. But not through a lack of trying. I changed every leg to window seats so I could lean against the side of the plane. I tried lying back, I tried lying forward onto the tray table. But in every case, as soon as I was on the cusp of sleep I darted awake. One time, I got far enough into sleep that I started to dream. However, in the dream I immediately started choking. Predictably, this woke me up and I was foiled yet again.

I'm convinced, people who can sleep on planes may have the advantage now, but they wouldn't have lasted a fucking day as cavemen. You're 35,000 feet in the air! That's wrong! You can't sleep during that! If that's not a enough to wake you up, a sabertooth tiger is going to eat you and all your babies. You'll be dragged away by your hair!

So nice work fuckers. You win this round, but I'd be such a better caveman than you.

The entire nation of Germany
I've been in Germany three times, average duration about a week apiece. I've stayed at three different hotels. In each of those trips, I've averaged no more than four hours of sleep per night.

The fuck, Germany?

It's not a timezone problem. I've been in Central Europe Time multiple times and actually while in Italy I had by far the best, most absolutely peaceful and deep sleep of my life. Even in France, when I was in a crappy hostel, I slept well.

I think part of the issue is the German bed, which I'm convinced, is in every way the most inferior bedding solution devised by anyone, anywhere, in the entire course of human events. The German bed has a thin foam mattress over slats instead of a box spring. That part is ok. The bed is made with a fitted bottom sheet, again no issues here. But rather than having a top sheet and blankets, you are instead given a you-sized rectangle of comforter material called a decke. This is under what you are to sleep.

This sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks. The assumption totally is that you'll lie under your decke, absolutely still, and sleep. However, for me, every night is an odyssey wherein I find myself moving from side to side and taking on all sorts of new and exciting contortions. The decke just can't keep up.

Seriously Germany, the decke is a joke. Cut that shit out.

Hardwood
Hardwood is very uncomfortable to sleep on.

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