14 February 2015

Who will be Matt's date to the Valentine's prom?

People are all saying how hard it is to find a date in this town. Blah blah blah ratio of males to females, blah blah blah Seattle freeze. Well stupid people, have you ever tried looking right under your noses? In a little thing called your email, stupid?

Ladies all the time are sending me all sorts of messages on the email computer. Are they not sending them to you? It's probably not because you're ugly (though it can't be helping), it's just because you're stupid. You have to look in your Spam folder. Google nerds are forcing these emails into your Spam folder so that there are more ladies for themselves, obviously.

Currently, though, I'm forced to choose between two lovely ladies to serve as my date to Valentine's prom so I'm asking you the reader to help me decide. I'll take your feedback and then do the opposite because you're really dumb.

Subject: Matthew Laquidara, Don't turn back from UNREAD MESSAGE of Clemmie Vivas
I was going to turn back from UNREAD MESSAGE of Clemmie Vivas, but I was asked not to by name, so I acquiesced. It was a good decision. Clemmie's strange mix of formal and informal in the greeting of "Excuse me baby" is a little bizarre, but the color scheme and formatting made me keep reading.

Then she called me cute! Score, right? On that basis alone, she wants to send me (19) private photos. In some accounting systems that means negative nineteen photos, so I'm not sure how I feel about that. Even if the photos never arrive I'm told Clemmie's got big boobs and a big butt. And presumably her statement about knowing how to use them does not refer her ability to sit or nourish a hungry infant.

Clemmie seems nice enough, but what is a Clemmie log?

Pro: Boobs, butt (big)
Con: Possibly a Frenchperson

Subject: Bring Matthew Laquidara's DREAMS into TRUE LIFE with Dorey Demaranville
What's more grating than being addressed in the third person? Being addressed in the third person and then being shut down right away. Whatever Dorey Demaranville, I didn't want to date you anyway.

But then I thought of all the effort Dorey put into typing weird characters in the place of normal ones. Clemmie didn't care enough to do that. Dorey, while being a total buzzkill about our chances in the traditional dating world, is trying to secure me casual sexual encounters all within a 17 mile radius. I hate having a long drive to my casual sexual encounters. Dorey really does care. Guys, I think Dorey likes me.

I think maybe I could break through to Dorey with an invite to Valentine's prom, what do you think?

Pro: Alliterative name, could teach me how to type double-bridged H
Con: Might be from space and thus have to return to home planet at some point

Who(m) should your humble author bring to Valentine's prom? Leave your choice in the comments!

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