16 September 2011

A Quiz: Being a man (O sole mio)

I'm a dude, but I understand and comprehend that I'm not the most manly dude in the universe. I'm not really one to raise my voice and I've never been in a fight. BUT how many people possess this level of self-awareness? How many people can honestly go on the record and assert the extent of their hyperagressive dudularity?

To that I end: I present this simple quiz.

The other day, I was drawn to my window by the sound of what seemed like an imminent kerfuffle. Some dude, in a car, pulling out of his driveway was shouting at some other dude, who had parked on the street but was now out of his car. The dialog was pretty much as follows:
Dude in car: "I'm not talking to you!"
Other dude: Unintelligible.
Dude in car: "I'm not talking to you!"
Other dude: Unintelligible.

This persisted for awhile until the dude in the car said something along the lines of "don't park here anymore" and the other dude was not having any of it. As any rational human being would do, he, in what seemed to me to be slow motion, prepped a monumental loogie and up and hocked it on the guy's car!

How at this point, the hocker needs clearly needs to justify his actions verbally. What does he say? Remember: your manlihood rides on the answer to this question!
He says:
A: "Oh man I'm so sorry I totally overreacted there." sheepishly.
B: "That just happened! That just happened!" emphatically.
C:  "Che bella cosa e' na jurnata 'e sole / n'aria serena doppo na tempesta! / Pe' ll'aria fresca pare già na festa / Che bella cosa e' na jurnata 'e sole. / Ma n'atu sole, / cchiù bello, oje ne' / 'O sole mio" in operatic form, having just cleared his voice.
D: All of the above(???????)

If you answered B, man you nailed it. No mercy, no remorse, no regret. Clearly you're so hyperagressively extreme that your actions are so unbelievable that mere mortals cannot comprehend their appearance. You're a man, yes you am, yes you am. A? What are you thinking dude? Was your only aggressive act telling some dude to fuck off in high school because he was insistent that you punch him? While C would be pretty great, and would be my preferred action, we do not live in in this absurdist world. But can we? One can only dream. D just doesn't make sense I mean you can't say multiple things at once, god. What a cop out answer for people who can't make decisions.

If you're wondering how the story concluded, both parties drove off promising to report each other to the police.


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