18 June 2012

Pudding for Breakfast: A cautionary choose your own adventure novella

My alarm was set for 6:30 today because I had too much to do in the morning. I had:
  1. A friend's dog to walk.
  2. A session with a personal trainer.
This two items more than usual.

So of course, with my alarm set for 6:30, I got out of bed around 7:50. Amazing morning. I almost got out of bed right at 6:30, but thought, fuck I deserve a little extra rest. I was then treated to the most amazing half-awake listen of The Weather by Built to Spill and dreamed about the poor trials of fictional German baseball writer and erstwhile prestigious university student and his sad exclusion from the department of mathematics at the hands of an uncaring dean. Plus his name was said to have translated to "honest Englishman".

So in my groggy haze I realized I had a grand total of 10 minutes more than usual to accomplish an infinite precent increase in my usual morning routine.

This meant breakfast as we knew it was straight out. On my workout days I'll typically eat oatmeal and an egg. This is a nutritious breakfast that prepares the body well for an intense workout. This morning I knew things had to be different.

So I ate lemon pudding.

This was no ordinary lemon pudding. But lemon pudding I made last night, from scratch, spontaneously. Do you know how easy it is to make pudding from scratch? It's easy. You probably have all the ingredients, except maybe corn starch, but you probably do have it.

Seriously how does pudding mix sell?*

So after eating my pudding, I walked the dog, even finding an amazing parking spot easily. (Sometimes I'm lucky). Mentally, I tried to prepare myself for what I'd say if my trainer asked me what I ate for breakfast. Could I really say lemon pudding? I mean I could say eggs and milk, because, well, those were ingredients. But also so was more-refined-sugar-by-unit-volume-than-lemon-juice. And that's bad for you, says health. As Soco was once described to me by a man with a doctorate, "It will rot you gut." This was rot your gut stuff. Oatmeal will not rot your gut.

So I went to the gym, visions of puking up lemon pudding dancing through my head (these workouts are intense, ok!?). Rowing machines, squats, hill runs. These are the things I didn't ralph during.

But on the whiteboard normally reserved for uplifting motivational things: "You can't exersize your way out of a bad diet!"

Well fuck me!

*Pudding mix sells because it's remarkably uniform. As much as I love my pudding I could see being offput by an egg tendril or some burned clump of milk, sugar, and corn starch.