26 June 2018

To Show One's Hand

"I know this is going to sound weird, but I want it to be my fault. Well, not exactly, but I want there to be some sort of fault component. I guess not even fault exactly. But like some sort of arrived-upon mutual conclusion that there was some sort of interpersonal incompatibility and that meant it could never work. It wouldn't even have to be mutual! It could have been as simple as 'you do this, and I don't like that.'"

"It's like a job interview. They have some reason why they didn't hire you, but they'll never tell you what it is."

"But I do know why!" The tone of this interjection is one of surprise, mixed with a bit of frustration. The response touches on the wrong point. The initial explanation was a meandering one, sure, but it seemed awfully clear where it landed. Maybe it wasn't, or was that an insinuation? "I do have an explanation, and I respect and believe it. It just frustrates me. It's just an explanation that I myself, or some facet of who I am, play no role in. It makes me feel like the world around me behaves in random ways that I have nothing to do with. But that doesn't mean that truth is being withheld. I don't think that would happen; there's no reason for it. It's just a shitty situation. I mean, do you think there's more to this?"

"I don't think you can know."